What would happen if Aragorn got a car?
by Sweetdeath04 and Thorney
Summary: It's Aragorns Stag Night and he's given a car! Nothing wrong with that? Think again! Legolas is dragged along for the ride! First fic so be kind!


Disclaimer: All characters that you recognize belong to JRR Tolkien. We don't own Britany Spears, DJ Otzi, Classic FM or Q97.2, and we don't own minis, unfortunately. Actually, the only thing we own is the computer this was written on! Don't sue!

**What would happen if Aragorn got a car???**

Aragorn's stag night was all planned. While Arwen was having a quiet little hen night with the girls, Aragorn was out on the town with the lads. On the night (despite his promise to Arwen that he wouldn't get _too_ drunk) Aragorn, Glorfindel, Gimli, Frodo, Sam and (surprisingly) Elrond, all galloped off to The Prancing Pony. Legolas accompanied them; although Arwen had given him the job to stay sober so he could stop his companions from doing anything life threatening, or even worse, show up late for the wedding.

Merry and Pippin wanted to come, but Elrond made them stay in Rivendell after attempting to blow up the West Wing, and the Witch King had important business in Mordor that night.

However, ten minutes into the party everyone, apart from Legolas, was zonked.

They started singing:

_**When I was one,**_

_**I sucked my thumb,**_

**_The day I went to Valinor,_**

**_I climbed aboard an Elvin ship, _**

_**And Elrond said to me,**_

"_**We're goin' this way**_

_**That way,**_

_**Forward and back way,**_

**_Over the Elvin sea,_**

_**A bottle of rum,**_

_**To fill my tum,**_

_**And that's the life for me!"**_

Aragorn stopped singing at ninety, Legolas stopped singing at two thousand and thirty- one, (well, Arwen didn't say he couldn't have some fun!) and Elrond was still singing when they left the pub at one in the morning.

When they left the pub the first thing they noticed was a bright pink mini sitting in the middle of the road.

"Happy stag night, Aragorn!" Gimli yelled.

Aragorn. Swaying slightly from side to side, said, "You take that back!" Then he and his companions lurched forward into the dazzling pink mini, Legolas following reluctantly.

They all climbed inside (they had to put Frodo and Sam in the boot, as there were not enough seats). Aragorn was driving, despite Legolas' protesting.

Aragorn started the engine and put his foot down. The car surged forward into the building.

"**GET OUTTA THE WAY!!!!!!**" roared Aragorn to the stonewall, which crumbled and fell on top of the bonnet as a reply.

Mr Butterbur waddled out the door.

"**WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?!?!?!"** he screamed at the company, **"YOU'D BETTER PAY FOR THE DAMAGE TO MY WALL!!!!!"**

Then the rest of the building collapsed around him.

"In your face!!!" cried Aragorn as some of the rest of the party made questionable hand gestures at the Barman.

Aragorn managed to pull the car into reverse, and sped off at full speed.

"**RANGERS!"** yelled the innkeeper as people began to struggle from the wreckage that had once been the Prancing Pony Inn.

The car sped on and only Legolas bothered to mention that they were heading in the complete opposite direction from Rivendell. After what was hours to Legolas (although it seemed like a few minutes to the rest of the party because they were so inebriated) the elf noticed the landscape begin to change.

Mangled trees began appearing and within a few minutes, there as nothing else to see but..... tree, after tree, after tree, after tree, after tree, after tree, after tree, after tree, after tree, after tree, after tree, after tree, after tree, after tree, after tree, after tree, after tree, after tree, after tree, after tree...............

(Anyone would get bored of that, even if they were stuck in a car with six drunken loonies that were dangerous enough when they are sober!!!).

Suddenly it hit him.

"**WE'RE IN FANGORN FOREST**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed.

"Yeah, you got a problem with that, elf-boy?" Questioned Aragorn, taking his eyes off the road to turn around in his seat to face Legolas.

Suddenly, everyone flew forward as the mini smashed into something on the path. Everybody twisted around in their seats to see what they had hit.

To one side of the road they noticed an ent, lumbering off into the trees, clearly in pain and bellowing at the top of its lungs.

Aragorn opened the window, beeped the horn and screamed, "ROAD HOG!!!"

"Don't ye mean road _ENT?"_ asked Gimli.

Aragorn gave him a withering look and kicked the engine into life again.

The mini trundled along the path and nothing much happened for about half an hour except tree, after tree, after tree, after tree, after tree, after tree, after tree, after tree, after tree......... OK, I think you get the message; well, anyway, nothing happened until Glorfindel, who was sitting in the passengers' seat, discovered the radio.

So poor Legolas had to endure Q97.2 all over the Causeway Coast at full blast.

It must be apparent to all readers by now that Aragorn was not paying much attention to driving the car.

There was a particularly nasty moment. About a quarter of an hour after the discovery of the radio, when nearly all the company were singing along to Britney Spears: Hit Me Baby One More Time, Aragorn made a sharp turn off the road and collided once again with a tree.

Gimli, who had been sitting in the back between Elrond and Legolas shot out of his seat, and through the windscreen, causing more damage than either the wandering ent or the wall of the Prancing Pony Inn.

"That's what you get for not wearing a seat belt, you Ducks Disease ridden fool!" shrieked Elrond.

"Ducks Disease?" asked Legolas.

"Yeah," said Elrond, looking at Legolas with his eyes unfocused. "His butt's too close to the ground!!!"

After Gimli had clambered back into the car and they had started all over again with the crashing and the yelling and the singing and the swearing and the insults and the fighting and the constant screaming and moaning in pain now coming out of the boot. So it was a pretty noisy ride for our Legolas who was beginning to dread their return to Rivendell and return to Arwen.

After all, the thought of returning to Aragorn's exceptionally angry fiancée, especially one of Elvin blood and friends in very, very, very, very, very, very high places. (A.K.A. Galadriel or Gandalf) Legolas didn't fancy walking around for the rest of his life, which is a very long time, considering he's immortal, as _anything unnatural!_

Because he was dwelling on these horrific thoughts, Legolas wasn't paying enough attention to where the car was going.

Aragorn saw it first.........Glorfindel noticed it next.........Gimli spotted it third.........Elrond used his eyes and the moonlight to create a coloured image through his brain, which was under the influence of alcohol, therefore seeing it in fourth position.........Frodo and Sam never saw it, because they were locked in the boot.........and our poor, unfortunate, woeful, unlucky, and by this time very grumpy Legolas, was the last to see it.

**THE CLIFF!!!!!!!!!**

It was looming out of the darkness, and they were heading straight for it!!!!!

**DUN, DUN DAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! **And so on.

"Anyone up for a sky-dive?" hollered Aragorn.

The company replied with whoops and screams of laughter.

"I guess that means yes," said Legolas weakly.

Well, he thought to himself. I've had a good life, and at least I won't have to face Arwen. He shuddered at the thought of what she could have done to him if he wasn't going to die in the next ten seconds.

The car shot over the cliff, and was pulled downwards, towards total wreckage and, for the company, _total oblivion!!!! _

Legolas screamed and held onto the door handle for dear life, as the rest of the group laughed evilly.

Legolas had been knocked out, but when he had the courage to open his eyes he found himself clinging, not to the door handle, but to a large and impossibly convenient branch of an even larger tree.

Ten feet away, the pink mini had resisted the forces of gravity thanks to three or four thick branches of the tree. In the car he saw the twisted forms of Aragorn and Elrond. From the boot he spied one mangled and bloody hand hanging out. Gimli's cloak had caught on the windscreen wipers, which Aragorn, when he had been rendered unconscious, had turned on with his head. Gimli was swaying backwards and forwards across the broken windscreen.

Turning his head ever so slightly, he spotted Glorfindel. A group of squirrels had taken an extraordinary interest in him and had started to pull out his long, golden, locks.

Suddenly, Legolas thought he saw a branch move beneath him!

Pull yourself together elf, you're still half asleep. That branch didn't move, he thought to himself. Then he saw it move again, and an alarming and disturbing thought crossed his mind.

They were not in a tree, as he had first suspected. They had in fact landed in the afro of an ent! The very ent that they had hit earlier that evening. Well, let's face it, if a speeding, luminous pink mini had hit you, you would remember it too! Also, this ent prised his "hair", and did not appreciate a mini messing it all up! The idea alone was absolute torture!

The ent roared and started sprinting through the undergrowth. Anybody who was unconscious and suddenly realized they were on a furious, roaring, hungry for their blood ent that was travelling **way** over the speed of any motorway, wouldn't stay unconscious for long, but they'd probably prefer to be so!

Everyone, well almost everyone, woke up immediately at the sudden movements of the ent and leapt into the car, including Glorfindel with his new haircut which was... um... well... there was no other word for it- **AWFUL!!!**

Amazingly, the radio had continued to play and at that moment DJ Otzi; Hey Baby was blasting out of the speakers.

It was at that moment Legolas noticed two things. One: although everyone else had woken up at the first movements of the ent, Aragorn was still out for the count. And two: Sam and Frodo were missing from the boot.

Legolas whispered under his breath "Arwen is going to _kill _me!" before turning his attention to the first of these two matters.

"I'm driving!" rumbled Gimli.

"**OH NO YOU'RE NOT!!!"** screamed Legolas in a very girlish voice, before leap- frogging over Gimli and, with much difficulty, the seat in front of him, landing very gracefully on Aragorn's lap.

"Buckle up!" yelled Legolas then, by pulling a lot of indescribable stunts used only by a rally driver, drove out of the ents afro and landed, with a small bump, on the road.

They sped along another path, praying it was the way out of the forest.

It wasn't for a few minutes that they slowed down. Legolas immediately wished he hadn't, for there was a great roar of anger as they saw the ent had picked up the chase.

Restarting the engine, Legolas drove towards the outside of the forest, muttering curses in elfish.

When they finally reached the edge of wood Legolas looked into the cracked wing mirror and saw the ent shaking its fist before trudging back along the path.

At this point, Legolas turned around in his seat to face the rest of the company and yelled, **"YOU COULD HAVE TIED HIM UP AND THROWN FLOUR AT HIM! YOU COULD HAVE USED MASKING TAPE TO TIE HIM TOGETHER AND DRAWN ON HIM WITH MAGIC MARKERS! YOU COULD HAVE THROWN HIM IN A LAKE! BUT NOOOO! YOU JUST GO AND BUY HIM A CAR!!!!!"**

He turned around in his seat and sighed, relieved to get that out of his system. Elrond, on the other hand, stuck out his tongue behind Legolas' back.

For Legolas, the journey was just a matter of minutes, but for the rest of the group it seemed like hours because Legolas was such a safe and steady driver with little road rage. He also made them turn down the radio a considerable amount, and they listened to Classic FM all the way back to Rivendell.

Straight through Lorien,

Straight through the Misty Mountains,

And straight to Rivendell.

They finally stopped outside the hall.

"Two minutes to spare," sighed Legolas in relief.

They all clambered out of the car. Although the alcohol had worn off, everyone had a terrible hangover, apart from Legolas. Aragorn in particular must have been feeling dreadful, as he had not quite recovered from the ent fiasco.

They walked into the courtyard, which was completely deserted.

"Legolas," said Aragorn, whose words were terribly slurred, "Where are all the nice people?"

"I don't know," said Legolas, ignoring the fact that the Ranger had just fainted.

Suddenly, with a pang of horror he remembered..................

"**THE WEDDING'S IN GONDOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**

by Sweetdeath04 & Thorney

A.N. No elves, men, dwarfs, hobbits, ents, squirrels, mini's or Prancing Pony Inns were harmed during the writing of this story! Oh yeah, please don't ask us how Aragorn, Legolas or apparently Gimli knew how to drive, where Frodo and Sam went or how Legolas managed to forget the place where the where the wedding was being held.  
  
We would also like to thank our wonderful beta readers;

Kisumi Fighter,  
Adrenaline  
&  
Tractor boy!  
  
Thanks for reading! Please REVIEW and PLEASE, NO FLAMERS!!!!!


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